The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Army Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Army Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 

3. Army Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

4. Army Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

5. Army Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

6. Army Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes to squash. 

7. Army Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded medals.

8. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 

9. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

10. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

11. Marine Recon: Follows snake, and reports its movements.

12. USAF Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date. 

13. Supply (All Branches): (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

14. Food Services (All branches): Feeds snake.  Snake does not die, but wishes it could.

15. USAF Civil Engineer. Scrapes dead snake off of road surface, throws carcass into trash.

16. USAF F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 

17. USAF F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too hot also too cold, was clear but too overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

18. Army Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure, all in time for happy hour.

19. Army AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s.

20. Army UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. Judge Advocate General (JAG) (All Branches): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

22. Intelligence officer: Snake ? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

23. USAF B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

24. USAF Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 

25. USAF Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

26. USAF Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life.

27. Military Police. MP shoots snake. Lays a .38 caliber pistol on the ground and claims that the snake was reaching for a gun.

28. USAF Security Forces: If snake has line badge in its possession or is not posing threat to nuclear weapons, lets it pass. If snake does not have restricted area badge, jacks it up, apprehends it, and transports snake to desk to be turned over to its commander.

goldstar.jpg Cousin Joe (he’s not talking much but I’m gonna nail his ass down here soon....baaaaaaaaahhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

SondraK, unapologetic Lympian Slayer SondraK, unapologetic Lympian Slayer
11/18 at 08:22 AM •
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